up all hope of ever having a flat stomach again.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a power plant hundreds of miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago and rounds them off.
Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Catsup: What you have to do when you're behind.
Chickens: Critters you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
Cooperation: Doing with a smile what you have to do anyway.
Depression: Anger without enthusiam.
Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
Drill Press: A machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Electric Hand Drill: Device used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Exterminator: A retired Terminator.
Fence: The difference between one yard and two yards.
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle: An olive-flavored mouthwash.
Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
Horse Doctor: A doctor with a sore throat.
Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Irony: Opposite of Wrinkly
Italiano: Italian for Italian.
Lambchops: The way sheep chop their firewood.
Lymph :To walk with a lisp.
Myth: A female moth.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Device used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire, or for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
Pharmacist: A hired hand on the farm.
Phillips Screwdriver: Tool used to stab openings in oil cans or to round off Phillips screw heads.
Pineapple: Fruit of the pine tree.
Pokemon: A Jamaican proctologist.
Porcupine: A craving for bacon.
Raisin: Grape with with sunburn.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Selfish: What fishmongers do.
Testicle: A humorous question on a test.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest time saving devices of today.
User: Computer industry term for idiot.
Venison: A type of meat that costs deerly.
Drill press operator
The lesser-known Receding Hairline American Eagle
Puncture Ladies, Egg Harbors, Mississippi Marbles, and Other Curious Words and Phrases of North America
by Jeffrey Kacirk
The Klutz Book of Inventions
See the Shows
Read the Scripts
Farmer Bill and the Pumpkin Patch
Direct from the Author
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