Farm Fresh!
Food and Farm Humor


by Michael Hofferber. Copyright © 2003. All rights reserved.

We live in an age of fear and anxiety. Ominous portents surround us; terrible threats make us tremble. Only diligent awareness can protect us. Be alert! Look for the signs. These are for real!

  •    Warning label on a 40,000 BTU wood stove: "Hot when in operation."
  •    Warning label on a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding."
  •    Warning label on a butane lighter: "Warning: flame may cause fire."
  •    Warning label on another butane lighter: "Do Not Ignite Near Face."
  •    Warning label on a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
   Be forewarned! Our lives are full of real and present dangers. Things happen that we do not expect, and sometimes people do things we would not have thought possible. Warnings help us do what we need to do and avoid what needs to be avoided.
  •    Warning label on Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  •    Warning label on digital thermometer: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."
  •    Warning label on a hair dryer: "Never use while sleeping."
  •    Warning label on a fishing lure: "Do not place the product in your mouth."
  •    Warning label on laser printer cartridge: "Do not eat toner."
  •    Label on a jar of peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
  •    Label on a kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."
  •    Sign on a toilet at a public sports facility: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
   Take heed! Those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it, so learn from the mistakes of others.
  •    Warning label on an electric drill: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
  •    Warning label on a dishwasher: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
  •    Warning label on a food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
   Don't panic. If worse comes to worse, read the label. Follow the instructions!
  •    Instructions on a bar of soap: "Wet bar with water, lather vigorously and wash skin, rinse and dry thoroughly."
  •    Instructions on a fire extinguisher: "Carry to Fire."
  •    Instructions on bottle of drain cleaner: " If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."
  •    And, in case of accidental ingestion: "Induce vomiting immediately."

by Michael Hofferber Copyright © 2006. All rights reserved.

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